The Complete Simon Iff Read online

  The Complete Simon Iff

  Aleister Crowley

  (version 4.1)

  Contents

  Introduction

  The Scrutinies of Simon Iff (6 stories)

  These stories were written in Dec 1916, published in The International using the pseudonym Edward Kelly.

  Big Game (published in The International XI 9, Sep 1917)

  The Artistic Temperament (published in The International XI 10, Oct 1917)

  Outside the Bank’s Routine (published in The International XI 11, Nov 1917)

  The Conduct of John Briggs (published in The International XI 12, Dec 1917)

  Not Good Enough (published in The International XII 1, Jan 1918)

  Ineligible (published in The International XII 2, Feb 1918)

  Simon Iff next appears in Moonchild, which novel, although published in 1929, was begun after the first 6 stories, as The Butterfly Net, in 1917.

  Simon Iff in America (12 stories)

  What’s in a Name?

  A Sense of Incongruity

  The Ox and the Wheel

  An Old Head on Young Shoulders

  The Pasquaney Puzzle

  The Monkey and the Buzz-Saw (Annotated)

  A Dangerous Safe Trick

  The Biter Bit

  Nebuchadnezzar

  Suffer the Little Children

  Who Gets the Diamonds?

  The Natural Thing To do

  Simon Iff Abroad (3 stories)

  Desert Justice

  In The Swamp

  The Haunted Sea Captain

  Simon Iff, Psychoanalyst (2 stories)

  Psychic Compensation

  Sterilized Stephen

  Introduction

  Simon Iff is the main protagonist of a series of short detective stories written by occultist Aleister Crowley. He is portrayed as a mystic, a magician and a great detective with a thorough insight into human psychology.

  The stories typically revolve around an apparently unsolvable crime, which is eventually untangled by Iff's magickal and psychological logic. Crowley explained the method of crafting a Simon Iff story in simple terms:

  "Think of a situation as inexplicable as possible, then to stop up all the chinks with putty, and having satisfied myself that no explanation was possible, to make a further effort and find one".

  The Simon Iff stories were written during a visit to New Orleans in December 1916, primarily as a means of alleviating Crowley's financial hardships. The mystic was verging on bankruptcy, a result of his lifestyle, and extravagant self-publishing, while having never earned a wage. The initial collection of six stories which Crowley penned would be labelled The Scrutinies of Simon Iff. Crowley would later write twelve more stories under the title Simon Iff in America, four stories as Simon Iff Abroad (one is lost), and two final stories as Simon Iff Psychoanalyst. The Scrutinies of Simon Iff were first published in 1917-1918 in the New York publication The International under the pseudonym Edward Kelly ( presumably a nod to Edward Kelley, the Elizabethan alchemist and enochian magician), yet most of the Simon Iff stories remain unpublished. There is however, an edition of The Scutinies of Simon Iff published by Teitan Press: ISBN 0-933429-02-9. As with most of Crowley's work, the Iff stories are practically unheard of outside of occult circles.

  Simon Iff also appears in Crowley's most widely read novel Moonchild (1929).

  The Scrutinies of Simon Iff

  Big Game

  I

  Dick Ffoulkes was in good practice at the Criminal Bar, and his envied dinner parties, given to few and well-known friends, were nearly always held in his chambers in Lincoln’s Inn. They looked out on one of the pleasantest green spots in London.

  There was a brooding of fog on the first December night of 1911, when Ffoulkes gave a supper to celebrate his victory over the Crown in the matter of the Marsden murder.

  Marsden was a wealthy man, and had no enemies. The police suspected a mere protege of his unmarried sister, who was his only heir; he might thus benefit indirectly; no other motive could be found. The boy—for he was barely twenty—had dined with Marsden on the night of the murder, and of course the police had finger-prints by the dozen. Ffoulkes had torn their flimsy web to rags, and tossed them in the air with a laugh.

  All his guests had gone but one, his oldest friend, Jack Flynn. They dated from Rugby, and had continued their inseparability at Balliol. They had read together for the bar, but Flynn, after being called, had branched off into the higher journalism.

  The Marsden case had stirred England profoundly. Slight as was the motive attributed to Ezra Robinson, the suspected boy, there was no other person with any motive at all; faint as were the clues which pointed to him, there were none at all to point elsewhere.

  Besides these considerations, there was apparently no physical possibility of any other murderer. Marsden had unquestionably died of a thrust in the heart from a common carving-knife, which was identified as the one which had been sent up with the dinner. Unobserved access to the suite was impossible, a floor clerk being continously seated in full view of the only door to the whole apartment. The only person known to have been in the room, after the table had been cleared by the hotel servants, was the accused. And even Ffoulkes had not dared to suggest that the wound—a straight drive from above and behind—might have been self-inflicted. Now was there any motive of robbery, or any trace of search for papers. But there was an undoubted thumb-print of Robinson’s in blood on the handle of the carving knife, and there was a cut on his left hand. He had explained this, and the presence of the knife itself, by saying that it had slipped as he was carving, and that he had run into the bathroom to wash and bind the cut, leaving the knife on the washstand.

  The only point clean for the defense was the medical evidence, which put the time of death some two hours later than the departure of Robinson. This coincided with a temporary failure of the electric current all through the hotel. Ffoulkes suggested that the old man, who had drunk a good deal of wine, had gone to take a bath before retiring, seen the knife, remembered his old skill as an amateur juggler, ample testimony of which was forthcoming, and started to play at catching the knife. The light had gone out while he was throwing; he had dodged maladroitly, and the blade had chanced to catch him between the shoulders.

  The opposite theory was that Robinson had returned to fetch his cigarette-case, which was in fact found in the room by the police, passed the floor clerk and slipped into the suite in the short spell of darkness, seen his opportunity and seized it, making off before the light was restored. He had not been able to give a satisfactory account of his movements. His story was that he had left Marsden early on account of a severe headache, and had wandered about the streets trying to obtain relief; on the other hand, no one in the hotel would swear to having seen him after his ostensible departure. The floor clerk had testified to a considerable commotion just at the time of the failure of the electric supply: she had heard noises apparently in several rooms; but this might well have been the normal confusion caused by the sudden darkness.

  Flynn had been of the utmost service to Ffoulkes in the case. He had performed a weekly miracle in avoiding a spell of prison for contempt of court; for every week he had returned to the charge. There were long articles on miscarriages of justice; others on the weakness of circumstantial evidence where no strong motive was evident; others again on strange accidental deaths. He quoted the case of Professor Milnes Marshall, Who slipped and fell while setting up his camera in Deep Ghyll on Scawfell. He was on a gentle slope of snow, yet he made no effort to recover himself, and rolled over and over to the edge of a precipice, at whose foot he was found dead, smashed to a pulp. This happened in full view of several other climbers.
This accident was contrasted with that of Arthur Wellman on the Trifthorn. He fell eight hundred feet, and yet only hurt himself by cutting his leg slightly with his ice axe.

  A hundred such parallels were at the service of Flynn, and he hammered them into the head of the public week by week, while srupulously avoiding any reference to Marsden. As the courts had no idea, officially, of the line of the defense, they could say nothing. But Flynn moulded the opinion of the public soundly and shrewdly, and in the end the jury had acquitted Robinson after a bare quarter of an hour’s deliberation.

  Ffoulkes guests had complimented him on the ingenuity of his theory of an accident, but the lawyer had not been pleased. “That was a frill,” he had replied; “the real defense was Absence of Motive. Grant the police their theory of Robinson’s movements; put the knife in his hand, and a certain get-away-which he had not got, mind you; the light might have come on any second-but allow everything, and then ask yourselves: “Why should he stab the man?” There was no quarrel; his marriage with Miss Marsden was not opposed; on the contrary he risked that marriage by a mix-up of this sort; yet we are to suppose that he did it on the mere chance that there would be no fuss, and that his fiancée would have twelve thousand a year instead of four. Why, a sane man would hardly kill a rabbit on such motive!”

  But now the guests were gone; Ffoulkes and Flynn lit fresh cigars, and settled down for an honest talk. At the elbow of each stood a bottle of the Green Seal ’63, one of the soundest wines that ever came out of Oporto. For some time they smoked in silence.

  “This is capital wine, Dick,” said Flynn presently.

  “Ah, cher ami, it is only ten years older that we are. We are getting to the port and portly stage of life.”

  “Well, there are thrills left. This has been a great case.”

  “Yes. I’m glad you stayed. I thought you might care to hear about it.”

  “Hear about it!”

  “Yes, there were interesting features.”

  “But we need hardly recapitulate.”

  “Oh, I don’t mean what came out at the trial.”

  “No? … I suppose nothing ever does come out at a trial!”

  “Just as nothing ever gets into the newspapers.”

  “All right. Spit it out. I suppose Robinson did it, for a start.”

  “Of course. There was an accident in it, but one of a different kind. When the elevator put him out on Marsden’s floor, he was amazed to recognize an old flame in that very prepossessing floor clerk Maud Duval. They had been members of some kind of devil-worship club, and one of their games was cocaine. Robinson’s a perfect fiend, by the way; we had to smuggle the stuff in to him all the time he was in prison, or he’d have gone crazy. Well, the old passion lit like tinder. They had lost each other somehow-you know how such things happen-both had made desperate efforts to renew the link, but in vain. So he told her his plans in ten words. Her answer was equally sweet and to the point. ‘Kill the old man—I’ll cover your tracks; marry the old girl; and meet me at our old trysting-place at midnight a year from to-day. We’ll find a way to be rid of her. Don’t risk another word till then.’ Great and successful criminals have always this faculty of firmness of character and promptitude of decision. The rest of the story is short. The knife incident was intentional; for Robinson had brought no weapon. He left the hotel openly at nine-thirty; came in again by the bar entrance, went unnoticed to the mezzanine floor, and thence to Marsden’s floor, thus avoiding the notice of the main office. The failure of the electricity had nothing to do with it—happened twenty minutes later. He walked in, killed the old man, and left as he had come. Pretty bold? “Only cocaine. So now he’s off to marry old Miss Marsden’s money.”

  “I begin to see some sort of motive! Maud is what they call ‘some peach’ across the Straits of America.”

  “Yes; a perfect devil, with the face of a baby, and the manners of the jeune fille bien élevée. Just such a woman as you are a man, Jack, you old scoundrel.”

  “Many thanks. I think your own morals—in this case—have been a trifle open to criticism. I suppose it’s your fifteen years of law.”

  “No; it’s being under the influence of dear old Jack, with his fifteen years of journalism!”

  “Stop rotting! I’m a bit staggered, you know, straight. Let’s have another bottle of port.”

  Ffoulkes went to the buttery, and returned with a couple. For ten minutes neither spoke.

  “I’ve a damned funny feeling,” said Flynn at last. “Do you remember the night we put the iodide of nitrogen in the Doctor’s nighties?”

  “By the soft leather of this chair, I do!”

  “Yes; we caught it! But it’s the spirit, not the flesh, which goads me now. I’ve loved skating around the judges, these last weeks. The best thing in life is the feeling of escape. It’s the one real thrill. Perhaps that’s why I’ve always been so keen on solitary climbing and big game shooting.”

  “I always preferred fishing. My thrill comes from proving my intellectual stamina or subtlety.” There was a pause.

  “What do you think of murder, anyhow?” suddenly blurted out the journalist.

  “The most serious crime, except high treason, known to the English law.”

  “True, O wise judge! But what is it morally?”

  “An art, according to that ass Wilde.”

  “When I rite an essay on it, I shall treat it as a sport. And between you and me, that is why I have never written one.”

  “Why?”

  “Why, old intellectual stamina and subtlety, because if I ever do take it up, I don’t want some fool to fix me up with a motive. But after your story of to-night, I don’t mind telling you; if I’m caught, I’ll brief you! Observe, O man of motives, the analysis. Man is no longer killed for food, except in distant countries, or in rare emergencies such as shipwreck.”

  “He is only killed nowadays for one of two motives, gain or revenge.”

  “Add love.”

  “That’s psychopathic.”

  “Well, we’re all psychopaths; it’s only a term of endearment in common use among doctors.”

  “Get on!”

  “But there’s the greatest motive of all—adventure. We’ve standardized life too much; and those of us who love life are more and more driven to seek adventure in crime.”

  “Or journalism.”

  “Which is only one of the meaner crimes. But you needn’t talk; the practice of law is the nearest thing we have to man-hunting.”

  “I suppose that’s true.”

  “Of course it’s true. But it’s a mere pheasant-shoot, with all your police for beaters. The game hasn’t a chance. No. The motivless murderer has the true spirit of sport; to kill a man is more dangerous than to follow a wounded gaur into the jungle. The anarchist goes after the biggest game of all: but he’s not a sportsman; he has a genuine grievance.”

  “Your essay on murder will make some very pleasant reading.”

  “But doesn’t it attract you too, with your passion to prove your mental superiority to others? Think of the joy of baffling the stupid police, fooling the detectives with false clues, triumphantly proving yourself innocent when you know you are guilty!”

  “Are you tempting me? You always did, you know.”

  “Anyhow, you always fell!”

  “Cher ami, for that alone I could forgive you everything!”

  “Sarcastic to the last!”

  “You have me to thank that we usually escaped the consequences!”

  “Pride, my poor friend!”

  “Truth, comrade in misfortune!”

  “No. Seriously. I’m crazy to-night, and I really am going to tempt you. Don’t prove it’s my fault, blame your own good port, and also certain qualities in your own story of the Marsden case. One or two little remarks of yours on the subject of Miss Maud Duval—”

  “I knew something would come of that.”

  “Yes, that’s my weak point. I’m absurdly feminine in vanity and
love of power over—a friend.”

  “Now I’m warned; so fire ahead. What’s the proposal?”

  “Oh, I haven’t thought of that yet!”

  “You big baby!”

  “Yes, it’s my bedtime; I’ll roll home, I think.”

  “No, don’t go. Let’s sober up on coffee, and the ’48 brandy.”

  “It’s a damned extraordinary thing that a little brandy makes you drunk, and a lot of it straightens you out again.”

  “It’s Providence!”

  “Then call upon it in the time of trouble!”

  Ffoulkes went in search of the apparatus. Jack rose lazily and went to the window; he threw it open, and the cold damp air came in with a rush. It was infinitely pleasurable, the touch on his heated, wine-flushed face.

  He stood there for perhaps ten minutes. A voice recalled him to himself.

  “Café noir, Gamiani!”

  He started as if he had been shot. Ffoulkes, in an embroidered dressing gown of black silk, was seated on cushions on the floor, gravely pouring Turkish coffee from a shining pot of hammered brass.

  At one side of him was a great silver hookah, its bowl already covered by a coal from the fire.

  Jack took a second dressing-gown that had been thrown across his chair, and rapidly made himself at ease. Then he seated himself opposite to his friend; bowed deeply, with joined hands upon his forehead, and said with mock solemnity: “Be pleased to say thy pleasure, O most puissant king!”

  “Let Scherezade recount the mirific tale of the Two Thousand and Second Night, wherein it is narrated how the wicked journalist tempted the good lawyer in the matter of murder regarded as a pastime and as a debating society!”

  “Hearing and obedience! ›ut I must have oh! such a lot of this coffee before I get wound up!”

  As it happened, it was two hours before Jack deigned to speak. “To use the phrase of Abdullah El Haji i-Shiraz,” he began, “I remove the silken tube of the rose-perfumed huqqa from my mouth. When King Brahmadatta reigned in Benares, there were two brothers named Chuckerrbutty Lal and Hari Ramkrishna. For short we shall call them Pork and Beans. Now Pork, who was a poet and a devil of a fine fellow, was tempted by the reprobate Beans, a lawyer, whose only quality was low cunning, to join him in a wager. And these were the terms thereof. During the season of the monsoon each was to go away from Benares to a far country, and there he was, feloniously and of his malice aforethought, to kill and murder a liege of the Sultan of that land. And when they returned, they were to compare their stories. It was agreed that such murder should be a real murder in the legal sense—act for which they would be assuredly hanged if they were caught; and also that it would be contrary to the spirit of sport to lay false trails deliberately, and so put in peril the life of some innocent person, not being the game desired to fill the bag. But it must be an undoubted murder, with no possibility of suicide or accident. The murder, moreover, must be of a purely adventurous nature, not a crime inspired by greed or animosity. The idea was to prove that it would be perfectly safe, since there would be no motive to draw suspicion upon them. Yet if either were suspected of the mamelukes, the Sbirri, the janissaries, or the proggins, he should take refuge with the other; but—mark this, O king!—for being so clumsy he should pay to him a camel-load of gold, which in our money is one thousand pounds. Is it a bet?”